Obscene Wealth Simulator

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<<set $Money = 679222000000>><<set $NHSAverage = 0>><<set $NetZero = 0>><<set $HS2Full = 0>> <<set $Tax = 0>><<set $Nationalise = 0>> <<set $SchoolCuts = 0>><<set $Homelessness = 0>><<set $Collapse= 0>><<set $UC = 0>><<set $MealsUC = 0>><<set $MealsAll = 0>><<set $PR = 0>><<set $HSR = 0>> <<set $LocGov = 0>><<set $Nurses = 0>><<set $CouncilHouse = 0>><<set $Dentistry = 0>><<set $Nature = 0>> <<set $Leeds = 0>><<set $Arts = 0>><<set $NotreDame = 0>><<set $Aid = 0>><<set $WorldService = 0>><<set $Pint = 0>><<set $Pint2 = 0>> You awake one morning from unsettling dreams and find yourself changed in your bed into 165 obscenely wealthy people. [[You are every billionaire in Britain|Explanation]] (Click the dark green links to progress and use the sidebar on the left to go back or restart the game) <<nobr>> <div id="logowin" onclick="hideLogo()"> <img id="logo" @src="setup.ImagePath + 'strlcardnew.jpg'"> </div> <<set $("html").css("overflow", "hidden")>> <<timed 5s>> <<set $("#logowin").css("display", "none")>> <<set $("html").css("overflow", "")>> <</timed>> <</nobr>>

It seems, somehow, that you have possessed the bodies and souls of each and every billionaire mentioned on the Sunday Times Rich List. You control their bodies, their speech, their movements - and most importantly their bank accounts. [[I heard this happened to Jeff Bezos once]]

The UK's billionaire's collective wealth is displayed on the left. Below are some things you might consider spending it on. <<if ($NHSAverage eq 0) and ($Money gte 398000000000)>>[[Fix the NHS for 10 years (-£398 billion)|NHS 1]]<<else>><strike>Fix the NHS for 10 years (-£398 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($NetZero eq 0) and ($Money gte 321000000000)>>[[Reach Net Zero by 2050 (-£321 billion)|Net Zero 1]]<<else>><strike>Reach Net Zero by 2050 (-£321 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($HS2Full eq 0) and ($Money gte 107000000000)>>[[Build High Speed 2 in full (-£107 billion)|HS2 1]]<<else>><strike>Build High Speed 2 in full (-£107 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Tax eq 0) and ($Money gte 90000000000)>>[[Pay off all their tax evasion (-£90 billion)|Tax 1]]<<else>><strike>Pay off all their tax evasion (-£90 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Nationalise eq 0) and ($Money gte 58902000000)>>[[Nationalise water, energy and Royal Mail(-£59bn)|Nationalise 1]]<<else>><strike>[[Nationalise water, energy and Royal Mail(-£59bn)</strike><<endif>>

<img src="https://media.equality-trust.out.re/uploads/2024/08/Asset-6@10x.png" height="64"> Money left: £<<print window.formatNumber($Money)>>

As you tell some of your billionaires to transfer the money, you feel them slip out of your mind. Each fortune spent is another out of your head. You can do this! Keep spending the money! <<if ($NHSAverage eq 0) and ($Money gte 398000000000)>>[[Fix the NHS for 10 years (-£398 billion)|NHS 2]]<<else>><strike>Fix the NHS for 10 years (-£398 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($NetZero eq 0) and ($Money gte 321000000000)>>[[Reach Net Zero by 2050 (-£321 billion)|Net Zero 2]]<<else>><strike>Reach Net Zero by 2050 (-£321 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($HS2Full eq 0) and ($Money gte 107000000000)>>[[Build High Speed 2 in full (-£107 billion)|HS2 2]]<<else>><strike>Build High Speed 2 in full (-£107 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Tax eq 0) and ($Money gte 90000000000)>>[[Pay off all their tax evasion (-£90 billion)|Tax 2]]<<else>><strike>Pay off all their tax evasion (-£90 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Nationalise eq 0) and ($Money gte 58902000000)>>[[Nationalise water, energy and Royal Mail(-£59bn)|Nationalise 2]]<<else>><strike>Nationalise water, energy and Royal Mail(-£59bn)</strike><<endif>> [[What else could I do?|Spend new menu]]

You get your first BBC push notification about UK billionaires "uniting to fix the country." The Spectator asks "Is this due to the innate nobility of immense wealth?" You make a mental note to buy The Spectator and shut it down if you have time. <<if ($NHSAverage eq 0) and ($Money gte 398000000000)>>[[Fix the NHS for 10 years (-£398 billion)|NHS 3]]<<else>><strike>Fix the NHS for 10 years (-£398 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($NetZero eq 0) and ($Money gte 321000000000)>>[[Reach Net Zero by 2050 (-£321 billion)|Net Zero 3]]<<else>><strike>Reach Net Zero by 2050 (-£321 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($HS2Full eq 0) and ($Money gte 107000000000)>>[[Build High Speed 2 in full (-£107 billion)|HS2 3]]<<else>><strike>Build High Speed 2 in full (-£107 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Tax eq 0) and ($Money gte 90000000000)>>[[Pay off all their tax evasion (-£90 billion)|Tax 3]]<<else>><strike>Pay off all their tax evasion (-£90 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Nationalise eq 0) and ($Money gte 58902000000)>>[[Nationalise water, energy and Royal Mail(-£59bn)|Nationalise 3]]<<else>><strike>Nationalise water, energy and Royal Mail(-£59bn)</strike><<endif>> [[What else could I do?|Spend new menu]]

Social media has branded this #RePossession, while popular Guardian columnist Joe Wynn-Owens points out that simply returning all the money taken from workers, tenants, and the government won't undo decades of abuse. You agree, nodding a few dozen rich heads up and down. You're about 150 billionaires. You've never seen such extravagant guilt. <<if ($NHSAverage eq 0) and ($Money gte 398000000000)>>[[Fix the NHS for 10 years (-£398 billion)|NHS 4]]<<else>><strike>Fix the NHS for 10 years (-£398 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($NetZero eq 0) and ($Money gte 321000000000)>>[[Reach Net Zero by 2050 (-£321 billion)|Net Zero 4]]<<else>><strike>Reach Net Zero by 2050 (-£321 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($HS2Full eq 0) and ($Money gte 107000000000)>>[[Build High Speed 2 in full (-£107 billion)|HS2 4]]<<else>><strike>Build High Speed 2 in full (-£107 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Tax eq 0) and ($Money gte 90000000000)>>[[Pay off all their tax evasion (-£90 billion)|Tax 4]]<<else>><strike>Pay off all their tax evasion (-£90 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Nationalise eq 0) and ($Money gte 58902000000)>>[[Nationalise water, energy and Royal Mail(-£59bn)|Nationalise 4]]<<else>><strike>Nationalise water, energy and Royal Mail(-£59bn)</strike><<endif>> [[What else could I do?|Spend new menu]]

Liz Truss makes a statement to the BBC hailing you as a free market genius, while several members of the House of Lords are visibly weeping in the background. <<if ($PR eq 0) and ($Money gte 32600000)>>[[That reminds me, I should abolish First Past the Post (-£32.6 million)|FPTP 2]]<<else>><strike>That reminds me, I should abolish First Past the Post (-£32.6 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($SchoolCuts eq 0) and ($Money gte 47000000000)>>[[Reverse school cuts for 10 years (-£47 billion)|School Cuts 2]]<<else>><strike>Reverse school cuts for 10 years (-£47 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($HSR eq 0) and ($Money gte 24500000000)>>[[Build high-speed rail between Liverpool, Manchester ,Leeds, Sheffield, Newcastle, and Hull (-£24.5 billion)|HSR 2]]<<else>><strike>Build high-speed rail between Liverpool, Manchester ,Leeds, Sheffield, Newcastle, and Hull (-£24.5 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Collapse eq 0) and ($Money gte 21600000000)>>[[Stop schools and hospitals collapsing(-£21.6 billion)|Collapse 2]]<<else>><strike>Stop schools and hospitals collapsing (-£21.6 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Homelessness eq 0) and ($Money gte 23000000000)>>[[End homelessness (-£23 billion)|Homelessness 2]]<<else>><strike>End homelessness (-£23 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($UC eq 0) and ($Money gte 22000000000)>>[[Make UC cover essentials (-£22 billion)|UC 2]]<<else>><strike>Make UC cover essentials (-£22 billion)</strike><<endif>> [[Do you hear something?|Spend new menu 5]]

Through one of your possessed billionaires, you hear a secretary shout "do you want to be on Good Morning Britain?" None of your hive mind does. <<if ($PR eq 0) and ($Money gte 32600000)>>[[Abolish First Past the Post (-£32.6 million)|FPTP 3]]<<else>><strike>Abolish First Past the Post (-£32.6 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($SchoolCuts eq 0) and ($Money gte 47000000000)>>[[Reverse school cuts for 10 years (-£47 billion)|School Cuts 3]]<<else>><strike>Reverse school cuts for 10 years (-£47 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($HSR eq 0) and ($Money gte 24500000000)>>[[Build high-speed rail between Liverpool, Manchester, Leeds, Sheffield, Newcastle, and Hull (-£24.5 billion)|HSR 3]]<<else>><strike>Build high-speed rail between Liverpool, Manchester ,Leeds, Sheffield, Newcastle, and Hull (-£24.5 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Collapse eq 0) and ($Money gte 21600000000)>>[[Stop schools and hospitals collapsing(-£21.6 billion)|Collapse 3]]<<else>><strike>Stop schools and hospitals collapsing (-£21.6 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Homelessness eq 0) and ($Money gte 23000000000)>>[[End homelessness (-£23 billion)|Homelessness 3]]<<else>><strike>End homelessness (-£23 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($UC eq 0) and ($Money gte 22000000000)>>[[Make UC cover essentials (-£22 billion)|UC 3]]<<else>><strike>Make UC cover essentials (-£22 billion)</strike><<endif>> [[Do you hear something?|Spend new menu 5]]

You get a BBC push news notification that every billionaire in France has formed a summoning circle to ward off possession. <<if ($PR eq 0) and ($Money gte 32600000)>>[[Abolish First Past the Post (-£32.6 million)|FPTP 4]]<<else>><strike>Abolish First Past the Post (-£32.6 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($SchoolCuts eq 0) and ($Money gte 47000000000)>>[[Reverse school cuts for 10 years (-£47 billion)|School Cuts 4]]<<else>><strike>Reverse school cuts for 10 years (-£47 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($HSR eq 0) and ($Money gte 24500000000)>>[[Build high-speed rail between Liverpool, Manchester, Leeds, Sheffield, Newcastle, and Hull (-£24.5 billion)|HSR 4]]<<else>><strike>Build high-speed rail between Liverpool, Manchester ,Leeds, Sheffield, Newcastle, and Hull (-£24.5 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Collapse eq 0) and ($Money gte 21600000000)>>[[Stop schools and hospitals collapsing(-£21.6 billion)|Collapse 4]]<<else>><strike>Stop schools and hospitals collapsing (-£21.6 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Homelessness eq 0) and ($Money gte 23000000000)>>[[End homelessness (-£23 billion)|Homelessness 4]]<<else>><strike>End homelessness (-£23 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($UC eq 0) and ($Money gte 22000000000)>>[[Make UC cover essentials (-£22 billion)|UC 4]]<<else>><strike>Make UC cover essentials (-£22 billion)</strike><<endif>> [[Do you hear something?|Spend new menu 5]]

Ah, finally. From one of your possessed magnates, you hear the recently un-possessed former billionaires breaking through windows. Sir James Dyson is whirring towards you on a bagless hoover hover car with no loss of suction (made in Malaysia). What do you do? <<if $Money gte 250000000>>[[Distract them with an investment opportunity (£250 million) |Breakthrough Flee]]<<else>><strike>Distract them with an investment opportunity (£250 million)</strike><<endif>> [[Call security|Breakthrough Fight]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 250000000>> You face the advancing scrum. "You could rip me limb from limb and look for money in my bones, OR-" A presentation screen automatically lowers from the ceiling, displaying a pitch deck. "You could make fortunes anew with this incredible opportunity to invest in this very real, not made-up disruptive mobility technology – the SuperTrooperLoop!" The screen displays images of luxury cars being flung through tunnels at ludicrous speeds, capable of moving up to a tiny fraction of what a train can move at many times the price. Most of the former billionaires are entranced – but a few still move, cautiously, towards you. Time to sweeten the deal. "And I'll throw in the start-up costs!" Piles of cash automatically drop from the ceiling. I guess this is a common occurrence in boardrooms of the ultra rich? Either way, it works. There's plenty of time to slip out as they rush in to grab the money. [[Are they pecking at the money on the floor like pigeons? No time to unpack that; time to go.|Spend Phase 3]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 321000000000>><<set $NetZero = 1>>You've heard oil-funded lobby groups say it would be impossible for the UK to afford reaching Net Zero by 2050 - but it actually seems pretty easy to you, as you dispatch about 80 of your billionaires to set up a fund that'll cover the £12.8bn needed per year. Your fund will phase out fossil fuels, power renewable transport, retrofit homes - all the good stuff. And all for less than was given to banks after the 2008 crash. [[It would cost 14 times more to do nothing!|Spend round 4]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 32600000>><<set $PR = 1>>You give it some thought. Luckily, you have access to billionaires – they seem to convince politicians to go along with their ideas all the time! Surely, some of them can persuade some MPs to make elections fair? The most expensive campaigns for a parliamentary seat can cost up to £100,000, but you won't need to spend nearly that much to convince some of the incumbents to back you. You only need 326 seats for a majority, so that's £32.6 million, or roughly double the amount the Conservatives spent to win in 2019. Politicians are really very cheap in this country, it turns out. You infest TikTok with the idea to switch from first past the post to "Union Jack Proportional" and soon enough Nadine Dorries is singing its praises. [[That was disconcertingly easy|Spend new menu 3]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 398000000000>><<set $NHSAverage = 1>> The UK's spending on health has been well below the EU average for some time. Concentrating hard, you march some of your billionaires over to their phones and transfer the money to catch health spending up to what it should be. Then with a furrow of your brow, you fund the increased spend for 10 years. With enough money for things like "staff" and "hospitals", the inevitable collapse and desperate need to privatise it mysteriously goes away [[Funny that.|Spend round 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 107000000000>><<set $HS2Full = 1>>Decades of failing to invest, cutting off noses to spite faces, chopping and changing, and endless money-saving reviews have meant that HS2 will end up costing at least £200m per kilometre to build. In the rest of Europe, costs can go as low as £25m per kilometre to build a high speed railway - but they're not us. [[A triumph for British engineering|Spend round 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 90000000000>><<set $Tax = 1>> Quantifying how much tax Britain's billionaires //aren't// paying is quite difficult since, by definition, they're hiding it. Non-doms – people living in the UK who decide not to pay tax on the money they earn outside the UK – avoid £3.2bn every year, while another £11bn is avoided in various schemes that bring the tax bill for the richest below a 35% rate. But even dealing with that wouldn't stop the richest stashing their cash in various forms of wealth (property, shares, holding companies) that pay out in ways that aren't taxed. You try to ask some of the financial advisors of the billionaires you're possessing, but they start panicking pretty quickly after you mention what you're trying to do. You decide to cover the estimated tax gap, and tell HMRC to use any leftover to fund proper audits. [[That financial advisor is calling you back. Better spend faster.|Spend round 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 58902000000>><<set $Nationalise = 1>>You buy the water companies, energy companies, and Royal Mail, then immediately hand it over to public ownership – a move that will save non-billionaires like you used to be £7.8bn every year, and pay for itself in 7 years. Did you know that England is the only country to have fully privatised its water system? Maybe those £2bn of dividends paid to shareholders since 1991 is related to the UK water being the most polluted in Europe, who can say. Free from the demands of their ultra-rich shareholders, the newly liberated companies save billions in dividends and set about fixing the huge amount of water leaks and sewage dumping, reducing huge energy bills, and ending the dismantling of the post service. [[Why did we even privatise essentials in the first place?|Spend round 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 47000000000>><<set $SchoolCuts = 1>> Since 2010, each pupil in the UK has lost £5384 from cuts to schools. As you dispatch a handful of billionaires to fund the restoration of education for 10 years, one of them is abruptly grabbed from behind. It's Mark Littlewood, the head of the dubiously-funded Institute of Economic Affairs "Stop!" they cry. "You must stop this! We need our billionaires to keep hoarding wealth, for reasons I am keeping deliberately vague! Don't think of the desperate headteachers - think of the yacht salespeople. God above, you've only left the UK's billionaires with £<<print window.formatNumber($Money)>>! How will we //feed?// You brush the pathetic man into a nearby open sewer which, thanks to privatised water companies, was once the Thames. Still, he makes a good point – how can children learn when so many of them come to school hungry? <<if ($MealsUC eq 0) and ($Money gte 6400000000)>>[[Provide free school meals for every family on Universal Credit (-£6.4 billion)|UC Meals 1]]<<else>><strike>Provide free school meals for every family on Universal Credit (-£6.4 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($MealsAll eq 0) and ($Money gte 24200000000)>>[[Provide free school meals for all pupils (-£24.2 billion)|AllMeals 1]]<<else>><strike>Provide free school meals for all pupils (-£24.2 billion)</strike><<endif>> [[It's physically impossible for the IEA to be right.|Spend new menu 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 23000000000>><<set $Homelessness = 1>> Every homeless person in the country now has a guaranteed home. Rough sleeping in the UK is eliminated entirely. You send Sir James Dyson, one of your billionaires, to transfer the required £23bn from his various offshore accounts, which leaves him with mere millions. [[That poor man. Anyway|Spend new menu 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 21600000000>><<set $Collapse = 1>> Did you know that not doing any maintenance for decades gradually results in the collapse of buildings? Scary thoughts. Surely nobody would leave buildings like schools and hospitals to rot, though? Anyway, the Department for Education has admitted that it's "very likely" some school buildings will collapse, although they're not sure which ones, while hospitals are only being held together by several coats of paint and 34 have roofs that might fall down "without warning." After spending two billionaires, that's no longer a risk. Hell, you even throw in a few black mould sprays. Unusually, almost nobody celebrates this one, with social media and commentators instead agreeing that it's messed up we let it get this bad. [[They're not wrong.|Spend new menu 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 22000000000>><<set $UC = 1>> The standard allowance of Universal Credit is only £85 a week for a single adult. That’s at least £35 a week less than what you need to buy enough food to eat, pay rent, and afford bills. You increase it to be enough to cover the essentials, allowing people to live with at least some dignity. While you're at it, you get rid of Work Capability Assessments and the 5 week wait to get benefits, since people who need money to buy food tend to need it sooner than 5 weeks. That one actually doesn't cost anything, but I guess the government is more likely to listen to a billionaire or two than the 71% of Universal Credit recipients who say the 5 week wait is a problem. [[Cool! What next?|Spend new menu 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 47000000000>><<set $SchoolCuts = 1>> Since 2010, each pupil in the UK has lost £5384 from cuts to schools. As you dispatch a handful of billionaires to fund the restoration of education for 10 years, one of them is abruptly grabbed from behind. It's Mark Littlewood, the head of the dubiously-funded Institute of Economic Affairs. "Stop!" they cry. "You must stop this! We need our billionaires to keep hoarding wealth, for reasons I am keeping deliberately vague! Don't think of the desperate headteachers - think of the yacht salespeople. God above, you've only left the UK's billionaires with £<<print window.formatNumber($Money)>>! How will we //feed?// You brush the pathetic man into a nearby open sewer which, thanks to privatised water companies, was once the Thames. Still, he makes a good point – how can children learn when so many of them come to school hungry? <<if ($MealsUC eq 0) and ($Money gte 6400000000)>>[[Provide free school meals for every family on Universal Credit (-£6.4 billion)|UC Meals 2]]<<else>><strike>Provide free school meals for every family on Universal Credit (-£6.4 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($MealsAll eq 0) and ($Money gte 24200000000)>>[[Provide free school meals for all pupils (-£24.2 billion)|AllMeals 2]]<<else>><strike>Provide free school meals for all pupils (-£24.2 billion)</strike><<endif>> [[It's physically impossible for the IEA to be right.|Spend new menu 3]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 19000000000>><<set $HSR = 1>> It's been promised for decades but now, finally, 20th century infrastructure is coming to the North. That's right! You might actually be able to get a train from Manchester to Liverpool now! Andy Burnham and Steve Rotheram ceremonially throw Arriva executives into the pit as ground breaks on a high speed rail line between Manchester, Liverpool, Bradford and Leeds, while York, Hull, Sheffield, Doncaster, Newcastle and Huddersfield all get transport connections that other European countries built in the 80s. Taking freight and passengers off the roads will reduce carbon emissions and traffic, while the economic benefits will be enormous. [[Choo choo|Spend new menu 3]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 47000000000>><<set $SchoolCuts = 1>> Since 2010, each pupil in the UK has lost £5384 from cuts to schools. As you dispatch a handful of billionaires to fund the restoration of education for 10 years, one of them is abruptly grabbed from behind. It's Mark Littlewood, the head of the dubiously-funded Institute of Economic Affairs "Stop!" they cry. "You must stop this! We need our billionaires to keep hoarding wealth, for reasons I am keeping deliberately vague! Don't think of the desperate headteachers - think of the yacht salespeople. God above, you've only left the UK's billionaires with £<<print window.formatNumber($Money)>>! How will we //feed?// You brush the pathetic man into a nearby open sewer which, thanks to privatised water companies, was once the Thames. Still, he makes a good point – how can children learn when so many of them come to school hungry? <<if ($MealsUC eq 0) and ($Money gte 6400000000)>>[[Provide free school meals for every family on Universal Credit (-£6.4 billion)|UC Meals 3]]<<else>><strike>Provide free school meals for every family on Universal Credit (-£6.4 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($MealsAll eq 0) and ($Money gte 24200000000)>>[[Provide free school meals for all pupils (-£24.2 billion)|AllMeals 3]]<<else>><strike>Provide free school meals for all pupils (-£24.2 billion)</strike><<endif>> [[It's physically impossible for the IEA to be right.|Spend new menu 4]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 47000000000>><<set $SchoolCuts = 1>> Since 2010, each pupil in the UK has lost £5384 from cuts to schools. As you dispatch a handful of billionaires to fund the restoration of education for 10 years, one of them is abruptly grabbed from behind. It's Mark Littlewood, the head of the dubiously-funded Institute of Economic Affairs "Stop!" they cry. "You must stop this! We need our billionaires to keep hoarding wealth, for reasons I am keeping deliberately vague! Don't think of the desperate headteachers - think of the yacht salespeople. God above, you've only left the UK's billionaires with £<<print window.formatNumber($Money)>>! How will we //feed?// You brush the pathetic man into a nearby open sewer which, thanks to privatised water companies, was once the Thames. Still, he makes a good point – how can children learn when so many of them come to school hungry? <<if ($MealsUC eq 0) and ($Money gte 6400000000)>>[[Provide free school meals for every family on Universal Credit (-£6.4 billion)|UC Meals 4]]<<else>><strike>Provide free school meals for every family on Universal Credit (-£6.4 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($MealsAll eq 0) and ($Money gte 24200000000)>>[[Provide free school meals for all pupils (-£24.2 billion)|AllMeals 4]]<<else>><strike>Provide free school meals for all pupils (-£24.2 billion)</strike><<endif>> [[It's physically impossible for the IEA to be right.|Spend new menu 5]]

This isn't that. What do you do? [[I stay in bed]] [[I examine the expanse of my billionaire hive mind]] [[I plead with the heavens to end my suffering]] [[I immediately spend all their money|Explanation 2]]

You are possessing precisely 165 different billionaires. Just think: if this exact same cosmic horror had happened to you in 1990, you'd only have to juggle being 15 billionaires. Much more manageable. [[I plead with the heavens to end my suffering]] [[I spend all their money|Explanation 2]]

Terrifying visions flash before you: hundreds of ugly but expensive cars; collections of super yachts that pollute more than countries; coats in that shade of tan that you only get when you mix the colour beige with a lot of money. Possessing 165 billionaires takes a lot out of you. You fall to your knees and beg for an end, but if anything hears you, it doesn't answer. [[You're left with only the strong sense that if you spend all their money, you'll be released.|Explanation 2]]

You hear the classic sounds of an angry mob forming outside the window of one of your possessed billionaires – rich people are, of course, well attuned to that sound – and realise some of the billionaires you no longer possess have started to work together to stop whatever you're doing. How did they find them? Unions get stuff done, I guess. You'd better get rid of that £<<print window.formatNumber($Money)>> while you still can. <<if ($SchoolCuts eq 0) and ($Money gte 47000000000)>>[[Reverse school cuts for 10 years (-£47 billion)|School Cuts 1]]<<else>><strike>Reverse school cuts for 10 years (-£47 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($HSR eq 0) and ($Money gte 24500000000)>>[[Build high-speed rail between Liverpool, Manchester, Leeds, Sheffield, Newcastle, and Hull (-£24.5 billion)|HSR 1]]<<else>><strike>Build high-speed rail between Liverpool, Manchester ,Leeds, Sheffield, Newcastle, and Hull (-£24.5 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Collapse eq 0) and ($Money gte 21600000000)>>[[Stop schools and hospitals collapsing(-£21.6 billion)|Collapse 1]]<<else>><strike>Stop schools and hospitals collapsing (-£21.6 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Homelessness eq 0) and ($Money gte 23000000000)>>[[End homelessness (-£23 billion)|Homelessness 1]]<<else>><strike>End homelessness (-£23 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($UC eq 0) and ($Money gte 22000000000)>>[[Make UC cover essentials (-£22 billion)|UC 1]]<<else>><strike>Make UC cover essentials (-£22 billion)</strike><<endif>>

Close call; you'd better move fast with your remaining billionaires. Keep holding off their relatives, bodyguards, and personal trainers until you can dispose of their fortunes! <<if ($LocGov eq 0) and ($Money gte 15000000000)>>[[Reverse local government cuts (-£15 billion)|LocGov 1]]<<else>><strike>Reverse local government cuts (-£15 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($CouncilHouse eq 0) and ($Money gte 10700000000)>>[[Build 3.1 million council houses (-£10.7 billion)|Council House 1]]<<else>><strike>Build 3.1 million council houses (-£10.7 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Nurses eq 0) and ($Money gte 9400000000)>>[[Raise Nurses pay by 15% (£9.4 billion)|Nurses 1]]<<else>><strike>Raise Nurses pay by 15% (£9.4 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Nature eq 0) and ($Money gte 3700000000)>>[[Restore nature (-£3.7 billion)|Nature 1]]<<else>><strike>Restore nature (-£3.7 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Dentistry eq 0) and ($Money gte 1400000000)>>[[Free dentistry and prescriptions (-£1.4 billion)|Dentistry 1]]<<else>><strike>Free dentistry and prescriptions (-£1.4 billion)</strike><<endif>> [[There is only one billionare left|You are Duke Westminster]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 15000000000>><<set $LocGov = 1>> Since 2010, local governments have had their spending power cut by around a third. Obviously, it varied a lot depending on where in the country you are; Barking and Dagenham had to cut their services by almost 70%. Restoring it to 2010 levels – that's a lot of libraries, bus routes; parks, childrens' centres, social care, bins. Those are good. This is good. Someone should do this. [[Well I did|3Spend2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 9400000000>><<set $Nurses = 1>> Nurses have lost 20% of their income in the last 10 years and are paid much less than in comparable European countries. For a while, you understand, they were paid in applause, but apparently most supermarkets no longer let you buy food in exchange for claps. After 10 years of pay caps and real terms cuts, a 15% rise doesn't go nearly as far as it should – but it does at least let nurses live in a little more dignity. [[Hooray|3Spend2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 10700000000>><<set $CouncilHouse = 1>> It's time to solve the housing crisis! They're already breaking ground as you put down the phone, creating enough council homes to meet the needs of trapped renters, overcrowded homes, older people, and households with disabilities or long-term illness. And the investment will pay for itself in 39 years thanks to housing benefit savings; not that you plan to still be a billionaire then. A coalition of NIMBYs is not thrilled with this, however. Led by Theresa Villiers and carrying banners calling for NO MORE HOMES EVER, they start building a battering ram outside a mansion you're still in charge of. You call the council and set the planning department on their unpermitted erection of siege equipment. You'll be done here long before they sort that out. [[Hooray|3Spend2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 3700000000>><<set $Nature = 1>> You commission the planting of billions of trees, new national parks, the restoration of woodland and peat bog habitats. A collection of adorable woodland creatures gather at your feet while birds attempt to lay a wreath on your head. You politely but firmly tell them to knock that Disney nonsense off. Whoever you're possessing was probably responsible for a lot of deforestation to begin with. Still, this should absorb about 50m tonnes of carbon emissions each year once it's done, enough to compensate for the construction industry, for example. Bonus: with half of your new trees being female, you'll help out hay fever sufferers by reducing pollen. [[All-male tree planting really is a major trigger of hay fever in cities|3Spend2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 1400000000>><<set $Dentistry = 1>> According to surveys, dreaming about your teeth falling out is the UK's most common dream. Maybe because somebody decided that teeth are, clearly, not part of the body and therefore shouldn't be covered by the NHS. You also make prescriptions free in England and Wales (Scotland has already realised this is a good idea) The news quickly fills up with footage of pensioners going wild outside pharmacies, taking the medication they need when they need it. [[I know it's because free glasses and free dentists were scrapped to pay for the Korean war, don't email me |3Spend2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 1000000000>><<set $Leeds = 1>> Leeds is the largest city in Europe without any form of public transport. Now, to be completely honest, the £1bn figure did come from the TaxPayers Alliance, so it might not be...based on facts. But Bilbao did build their metro for less, so lets go with it. You give orders to start construction on an underground rail system covering Leeds and linking to suburban commuter rail, like Berlin's S-Bahn. Transport obsessives on Twitter are shouting their joy at random passers-by like it's the end of //A Christmas Carol// [[Trains for all! Trams for some!|Final Spend 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 917000000>><<set $Arts = 1>> Let a thousand blossoms bloom! There's not an artist alive who will thank you for making them do even more Arts Council applications. But it will at least produce more artists, writers, poets, plays. Museums, libraries, and theatres might even stop having to partner with oil companies and opioid oligarchs for funding now. [[Oh yeah, I remember being them|Final Spend 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 747100000>><<set $NotreDame = 1>> Look, when Notre Dame caught fire, they said they would! The billionaires all said they would do it! And they didn't! Even when journalists started asking why cathedral officials hadn't received a penny, they gave fractions of what they pledged to make the story go away. You pay to clean up toxic lead from the old roof, the salaries of hundreds of craftspeople, and refuse to take tax relief on the donations or put your name on the gift shop. [[The bells, the bells|Final Spend 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 28500000>><<set $WorldService = 1>> You fund the restoration of radio services in Chinese, Hindi, Persian, and Arabic. The BBC will remain on the air in Ukraine and Russia now. Television services in Gujrati, Somali, and Urdu will be brought back. BBC Persian alone reached 20 million people each week while local media was heavily censored. The BBC isn't perfect, but this will help a lot of people around the world. [[You also kick in some money for better Dr Who effects|Final Spend 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 23500000000>><<set $MealsAll = 1>> More than 80% of teachers say they've seen primary school children come to school hungry, and hundreds of thousands of pupils miss out on free school meals. Not any more, you decide, sending a couple of billionaires to make sure children have enough to eat in the 5th richest country in the world. As well as the estimated £58.2bn of benefit in NHS savings, increased lifetime earnings (and tax payments) and savings for families – that's £1.71 of benefit for each £1 your billionaires spent – it also means teachers spend less time trying to feed their class out of their own pocket and more time teaching. On the news, Education Secretary Gillian Keegan shakes hands with your recently-unpossessed billionaire while she wears a £10,000 Rolex. "What an idea! We'd never have thought of that ourselves," she states. [[This should put a dent in our doubled food poverty|Spend new menu 2]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 6400000000>><<set $MealsUC = 1>> More than 80% of teachers say they've seen primary school children come to school hungry, and hundreds of thousands of pupils miss out on free school meals. Not any more, you decide, sending one billionaire to make sure children have enough to eat in the 5th richest country in the world. It won't cover everyone, but at least everyone on Universal Credit will get free school meals now. As well as the estimated £16.2bn of benefit in NHS savings, increased lifetime earnings (and tax payments) and savings for families – that's £1.38 of benefit for each £1 your billionaires spent – it also means teachers spend less time trying to feed their class out of their own pocket and more time teaching. On the news, Education Secretary Gillian Keegan shakes hands with your recently-unpossessed billionaire while she wears a £10,000 Rolex. "What an idea! We'd never have thought of that ourselves," she states. [[This should put a dent in our doubled food poverty|Spend new menu 2]]

With each billionaire fortune put to good use, you've felt your bizarre moneyed hive mind shrink. After that last one, you feel better than you have since this whole thing started – you're just one person. You are Hugh Grosvenor, 7th Duke of Westminster. [[Who he?]]

He inherited his title and £9bn from his father, the 6th Duke of Westminster. They first inherited something in 1677, when they married into a big chunk of what would become Mayfair, Belgravia and Pimlico. That did very well for them, but they got even better at inheriting – in 1814, they started inheriting the title "Earl of Wilton, added "Baron" in 1857, and then in 1874, they began inheriting the title "Duke of Westminster." To be fair to them, they also buy things, like bits of Liverpool or Washington DC or Tokyo. Helps when you don't pay inheritance tax though. [[Wait, what do you mean they don't pay inheritance tax]]

Oh yeah, it's held in a trust. And that would attract 6% tax, instead of 40% inheritance tax, except it's split up so it can take full advantage of various loopholes. It's grown by £878 million since he – you – inherited it. [[This society is broken|Escape 1]]

You rip out of your suit, and leave that tied up while you flee down a drainpipe. Almost naked, you run through the streets clutching a phone and an American Express card. Your family are after you, and no doubt the police soon. You'd better make this quick. <<if ($Aid eq 0) and ($Money gte 1298740000)>>[[Bring back the 0.7 international aid target (-£1.3 billion)|Aid 1]]<<else>><strike>Bring back the 0.7 international aid target (-£1.3 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Leeds eq 0) and ($Money gte 1000000000)>>[[Build a metro in Leeds (-£1 billion)|Leeds 1]]<<else>><strike>Build a metro in Leeds (-£1 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Arts eq 0) and ($Money gte 917000000)>>[[Double Arts Council funding (-£917 million)|Arts 1]]<<else>><strike>Double Arts Council funding (-£917 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($NotreDame eq 0) and ($Money gte 747100000)>>[[Fix Notre Dame because they said they would (-£747 million)|Notre Dame 1]]<<else>><strike>Fix Notre Dame because they said they would (-£747 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($WorldService eq 0) and ($Money gte 28500000)>>[[Bring back the World Service (£28.5 million)|World Service 1]]<<else>><strike>Bring back the World Service (£28.5 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Money lt 28500000)>>[[You don't have time, keep running|Final Spend 2]]<<endif>>

You check back in on the news, expecting chaos to have erupted. Not quite, it turns out. Vigilante groups of witches have sprung up around the country, working very hard to possess Rupert Murdoch. <<if ($LocGov eq 0) and ($Money gte 15000000000)>>[[Reverse local government cuts (-£15 billion)|LocGov 2]]<<else>><strike>Reverse local government cuts (-£15 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($CouncilHouse eq 0) and ($Money gte 10700000000)>>[[Build 3.1 million council houses (-£10.7 billion)|Council House 2]]<<else>><strike>Build 3.1 million council houses (-£10.7 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Nurses eq 0) and ($Money gte 9400000000)>>[[Raise Nurses pay by 15% (£9.4 billion)|Nurses 2]]<<else>><strike>Raise Nurses pay by 15% (£9.4 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Nature eq 0) and ($Money gte 3700000000)>>[[Restore nature (-£3.7 billion)|Nature 2]]<<else>><strike>Restore nature (-£3.7 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Dentistry eq 0) and ($Money gte 1400000000)>>[[Free dentistry and prescriptions (-£1.4 billion)|Dentistry 2]]<<else>><strike>Free dentistry and prescriptions (-£1.4 billion)</strike><<endif>> [[There is only one billionare left|You are Duke Westminster]]

The Royal Family are actively fortifying their castles and nepo babies are queuing to play you in the inevitable Netflix adaptation. <<if ($LocGov eq 0) and ($Money gte 15000000000)>>[[Reverse local government cuts (-£15 billion)|LocGov 3]]<<else>><strike>Reverse local government cuts (-£15 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($CouncilHouse eq 0) and ($Money gte 10700000000)>>[[Build 3.1 million council houses (-£10.7 billion)|Council House 3]]<<else>><strike>Build 3.1 million council houses (-£10.7 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Nurses eq 0) and ($Money gte 9400000000)>>[[Raise Nurses pay by 15% (£9.4 billion)|Nurses 3]]<<else>><strike>Raise Nurses pay by 15% (£9.4 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Nature eq 0) and ($Money gte 3700000000)>>[[Restore nature (-£3.7 billion)|Nature 3]]<<else>><strike>Restore nature (-£3.7 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Dentistry eq 0) and ($Money gte 1400000000)>>[[Free dentistry and prescriptions (-£1.4 billion)|Dentistry 3]]<<else>><strike>Free dentistry and prescriptions (-£1.4 billion)</strike><<endif>> [[There is only one billionare left|You are Duke Westminster]]

Over the radio, you hear that GB News has shut down. And also, all the golf courses. "There's just no point in continuing now," they say. <<if ($LocGov eq 0) and ($Money gte 15000000000)>>[[Reverse local government cuts (-£15 billion)|LocGov 4]]<<else>><strike>Reverse local government cuts (-£15 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($CouncilHouse eq 0) and ($Money gte 10700000000)>>[[Build 3.1 million council houses (-£10.7 billion)|Council House 4]]<<else>><strike>Build 3.1 million council houses (-£10.7 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Nurses eq 0) and ($Money gte 9400000000)>>[[Raise Nurses pay by 15% (£9.4 billion)|Nurses 4]]<<else>><strike>Raise Nurses pay by 15% (£9.4 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Nature eq 0) and ($Money gte 3700000000)>>[[Restore nature (-£3.7 billion)|Nature 4]]<<else>><strike>Restore nature (-£3.7 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Dentistry eq 0) and ($Money gte 1400000000)>>[[Free dentistry and prescriptions (-£1.4 billion)|Dentistry 4]]<<else>><strike>Free dentistry and prescriptions (-£1.4 billion)</strike><<endif>> [[There is only one billionare left|You are Duke Westminster]]

Philip Green, king of the not-billionaires with £950m to his name, is offering millionaires (new and former) his £100m superyacht to help them flee the country, in a very expensive and polluting manner. <<if ($LocGov eq 0) and ($Money gte 15000000000)>>[[Reverse local government cuts (-£15 billion)|LocGov 5]]<<else>><strike>Reverse local government cuts (-£15 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($CouncilHouse eq 0) and ($Money gte 10700000000)>>[[Build 3.1 million council houses (-£10.7 billion)|Council House 5]]<<else>><strike>Build 3.1 million council houses (-£10.7 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Nurses eq 0) and ($Money gte 9400000000)>>[[Raise Nurses pay by 15% (£9.4 billion)|Nurses 5]]<<else>><strike>Raise Nurses pay by 15% (£9.4 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Nature eq 0) and ($Money gte 3700000000)>>[[Restore nature (-£3.7 billion)|Nature 5]]<<else>><strike>Restore nature (-£3.7 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Dentistry eq 0) and ($Money gte 1400000000)>>[[Free dentistry and prescriptions (-£1.4 billion)|Dentistry 5]]<<else>><strike>Free dentistry and prescriptions (-£1.4 billion)</strike><<endif>> [[Only one billionaire left now|You are Duke Westminster]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 9400000000>><<set $Nurses = 1>> Nurses have lost 20% of their income in the last 10 years and are paid much less than in comprable European countries. For a while, you understand, they were paid in applause, but apparently most supermarkets no longer let you buy food in exchange for claps. After 10 years of pay caps and real terms cuts, a 15% rise doesn't go nearly as far as it should – but it does at least let nurses live in a little more dignity. [[Only one billionaire left now|You are Duke Westminster]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 3700000000>><<set $Nature = 1>> You commission the planting of billions of trees, new national parks, the restoration of woodland and peat bog habitats. A collection of adorable woodland creatures gather at your feet while birds attempt to lay a wreath on your head. You politely but firmly tell them to knock that Disney nonsense off. Whoever you're possessing was probably responsible for a lot of deforestation to begin with. Still, this should absorb about 50m tonnes of carbon emissions each year once it's done (enough to compensate for the construction industry, for example). Bonus: with half of your new trees being female, you'll help out hay fever sufferers by reducing pollen. [[Only one billionaire left now|You are Duke Westminster]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 1400000000>><<set $Dentistry = 1>> According to surveys, dreaming about your teeth falling out is the UK's most common dream. Maybe because somebody decided than teeth are, clearly, not part of the body and therefore shouldn't be covered by the NHS. You also make prescriptions free in England and Wales (Scotland has already realised this is a good idea) The news quickly fills up with footage of pensioners going wild outside pharmacies, taking the medication they need when they need it. [[I know it's because free glasses and free dentists were scrapped to pay for the Korean war, don't email me|You are Duke Westminster]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 1298740000>><<set $Aid = 1>> Cutting the overseas aid budget from 0.7% of Gross National Income to 0.5% meant removing the equivalent of the entire humanitarian crisis budget. Unfortunately, there seem to have been quite a few of these recently, so it seems sensible to put that back. [[Hooray?|Final Spend 2]]

You can't just keep hopping behind phoneboxes or hoping that someone will hand you £12,000 worth of bathrobes from Chevening. You duck inside a nearby pub, //The Tyrant's Revenge//, and hope not to be recognised. You are recognised immediately. Quick, before you're thrown out, use their WiFi to buy something <<if ($Pint eq 0) and ($Money gte 6)>>[[Buy a London pint (£6)|Pint 1]]<<endif>> <<if ($Aid eq 0) and ($Money gte 1298740000)>>[[Bring back the 0.7 international aid target (-£1.3 billion)|Aid 2]]<<else>><strike>Bring back the 0.7 international aid target (-£1.3 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Leeds eq 0) and ($Money gte 1000000000)>>[[Build a metro in Leeds (-£1 billion)|Leeds 2]]<<else>><strike>Build a metro in Leeds (-£1 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Arts eq 0) and ($Money gte 917000000)>>[[Double Arts Council funding (-£917 million)|Arts 2]]<<else>><strike>Double Arts Council funding (-£917 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($NotreDame eq 0) and ($Money gte 747100000)>>[[Fix Notre Dame because they said they would (-£747 million)|Notre Dame 2]]<<else>><strike>Fix Notre Dame because they said they would (-£747 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($WorldService eq 0) and ($Money gte 28500000)>>[[Bring back the World Service (£28.5 million)|World Service 2]]<<else>><strike>Bring back the World Service (£28.5 million)</strike><<endif>>

The bartenders, it turns out, have been following your progress on social media. They're cautious fans. Fans, because you're fixing half the country. Cautious, because you're a naked possessed billionaire with a crazed look in your eyes. But they'll let you make your final choices. <<if ($Pint eq 0) and ($Money gte 6)>>[[Buy a London pint(£6)|Pint 2]]<<else>>[[Get another pint]]<<endif>> <<if ($Aid eq 0) and ($Money gte 1298740000)>>[[Bring back the 0.7 international aid target (-£1.3 billion)|Aid 3]]<<else>><strike>Bring back the 0.7 international aid target (-£1.3 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Leeds eq 0) and ($Money gte 1000000000)>>[[Build a metro in Leeds (-£1 billion)|Leeds 3]]<<else>><strike>Build a metro in Leeds (-£1 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Arts eq 0) and ($Money gte 917000000)>>[[Double Arts Council funding (-£917 million)|Arts 3]]<<else>><strike>Double Arts Council funding (-£917 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($NotreDame eq 0) and ($Money gte 747100000)>>[[Fix Notre Dame because they said they would (-£747 million)|Notre Dame 3]]<<else>><strike>Fix Notre Dame because they said they would (-£747 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($WorldService eq 0) and ($Money gte 28500000)>>[[Bring back the World Service (£28.5 million)|World Service 3]]<<else>><strike>Bring back the World Service (£28.5 million)</strike><<endif>>

Rumbled! One of the other customers has posted a photo of you on Twitter - and to be fair, why wouldn't you if you were in this situation - and brought the police, your family, and the senior staff of Coutts Private Bank to your door. You have time, maybe, for one more thing. [[Donate everything you have left to a local foodbank|Foodbank]] <<if ($Pint eq 0) and ($Money gte 6)>>[[Buy a London pint(£6)|Pint 3]]<<else>>[[Get another pint|Get another pint 2]]<<endif>> <<if ($Aid eq 0) and ($Money gte 1298740000)>>[[Bring back the 0.7 international aid target (-£1.3 billion)|Aid 4]]<<else>><strike>Bring back the 0.7 international aid target (-£1.3 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Leeds eq 0) and ($Money gte 1000000000)>>[[Build a metro in Leeds (-£1 billion)|Leeds 4]]<<else>><strike>Build a metro in Leeds (-£1 billion)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($Arts eq 0) and ($Money gte 917000000)>>[[Double Arts Council funding (-£917 million)|Arts 4]]<<else>><strike>Double Arts Council funding (-£917 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($NotreDame eq 0) and ($Money gte 747100000)>>[[Fix Notre Dame because they said they would (-£747 million)|Notre Dame 4]]<<else>><strike>Fix Notre Dame because they said they would (-£747 million)</strike><<endif>> <<if ($WorldService eq 0) and ($Money gte 28500000)>>[[Bring back the World Service (£28.5 million)|World Service 4]]<<else>><strike>Bring back the World Service (£28.5 million)</strike><<endif>> [[Wait, someone's coming|Final Spend 5]]

"This way!" shouts the bar staff, as they usher you through the pub's back rooms. It seems they've decided to throw their lot in with you, or maybe they're just bored. You follow them down a series of corridors and kitchens, then into a stockroom with a door to the street. The door says "Disposal Only", but, to be fair, it doesn't say how you should be disposing. You're currently disposing of a large fortune. [[You step through the door]]

The crowd of recently monied billionaires pour through the boardroom and pin you down, while a few more grab the laptop you'd been using to transfer funds. "So, you're the one who's been using our money for public good. I can see you in there, behind her eyes. Well, now we've apprehended you, we can stop you. Murdoch! Bring in the–" It is at this moment that Mike Ashley, pawing down the back of a hideous sofa for spare change, accidentally activates the panic alarm. The room is thrown into chaos as classic villainous henchpeople (wearing electroshock collars for loyalty) charge and begin making short work of the deeply soft-skinned oligarchs. [[You know those electro shock collars for guards were seriously proposed by billionaires? They actually suggested it?|Spend Phase 3]]

You come to in the Duke of Westminster's body with your entire family holding onto you like a human chain to prevent you going to a cashpoint. "Darling, please! We only have £<<print window.formatNumber($Money)>> – we'll starve!" Behind the world's wealthiest conga line of dubious nephews, scheming aunts, and improbably fragile looking grandparents, your staff are hovering. They're waiting to see who wins this battle before they get involved. [[Try to convince them you're not possessed]] [[Make an impassioned plea for freedom]]

"I'm fine. I'm not possessed. I'm a real billionaire. I have an aga. I have two agas." They don't look convinced. Maybe try again? How would someone with vast inherited wealth speak? "I know Banksy!" They're warming to it - keep going! "It was reasonable to furnish Downing Street with John Lewis" You've lost them. [[Make an impassioned plea for freedom]]

You cite Marx. You cite Keats. You appeal to their reason. Are we barbarians, you ask? Are we //bourgeois//? They're completely unmoved. Giving up completely, you tell them to just watch Succession. "Oooh," says a niece. "I've been meaning to watch that." They tie you to a desk and try to figure out which streaming service has it. [[Right, they're ensorcelled by this compelling depiction of toxic wealth. Time to wriggle out of this|Escape 2]]

Consider the ethical gaps that an ordinary billionaire can slip through. Surely you can wriggle out of this one too? After some spinning and contorting, you realise your suit, like all Rich People Clobber, is designed as a tearaway in the event of grabbing. You don't have any other choice. [[This might not be pretty|Final Spend 1]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 6>><<set $Pint = 1>> Your most extravagant purchase yet. [[Back to the fortune spending|Final Spend 3]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 6>><<set $Pint2 = 1>> Look, you can't keep sinking pints for the rest of the game just because you can afford to now, that's not going to solve this. [[Back to the fortune spending|Final Spend 4]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 6>><<set $Pint = 1>> Your most extravagant purchase yet. [[Back to the fortune spending|Final Spend 4]]

<<set $Money to $Money - 6>><<set $Pint = 1>> Your most extravagant purchase yet. [[Back to the fortune spending|Final Spend 5]]

<<set $Money = 0>> You donate everything left to a nearby foodbank - a kind of institution which, since 2008/2009 will have seen use grow from nearly nothing to nearly 3 million. [[That's it. Everything's gone. Well done. But you're still a Duke?|Final Spend 5]]

Stepping through the door, you walk directly into the path of a waiting journalist. Things could be going better for you. "Ah! Just who I was looking for." they say, holding up a microphone and gesturing to their camera person. "ITV news. We're on the scene with one of the billionaires who has joined the #RePossession. Quickly, Duke, could you tell us – what was it all for?" [[Well the UK's economy is structured so that wealth and power accrue to very few people without them having to do any work at all|Finale 1]] [[And it's that way due to a series of political choices that make our country one of the most unequal|Finale 1]] [[This inequality is damaging all parts of our economy and society, while creating enormous profit for the rich and powerful|Finale 1]] [[The only way to solve our struggling economy and hurt communities is by making our society more equal|Finale 1]]

"And also," you add, "I'm trying to escape from being trapped inside the body of 165 billionaires." There's nothing more you can do now. Before the interview can continue, you are immediately arrested on grounds that you may create a "serious disruption", under the new Public Order Act 2023. For good measure, they arrest the journalist too. [[The bill that cracks down on the right to protest, yes|Finale 2]]

In police custody, alone, wearing only an apron from //The Tyrant's Revenge//, you reflect on the day you've had. You've reduced the wealth of 165 billionaires down to £<<print window.formatNumber($Money)>>. You've solved a lot. You've helped with even more. And still, there's more you couldn't even touch – the structural inequality that gave the Duke of Westminster £9bn tax free to begin with. Seems like someone should do something about that. Maybe you, since you're still trapped in the body of the Duke. Wealth taxes would be a good start. Still thinking, you gradually drift off to sleep. [[And awake the next day]]

You awake from fitful dreams. You are Jeff Bezos. <center><large><strong>[[END]]</strong></large></center>

This game was developed by The Equality Trust for the release of the 2023 Sunday Times Rich List and updated this year for the 2024 list. We do not endorse the possession of billionaires or even millionaires. It was heavily inspired by, and indebted to, the original "You Are Jeff Bezos" by Kris Lorischild. You should absolutely play that game. All figures cited in this game are from reports and studies by charities, academia, or government estimates. Where relevant, they have been adjusted for inflation. They remain eminently doable by a government, should they choose to do so.

You would, but you can feel a pea under the mattress. You're 165 billionaires, and you have a strong sense that the only way to undo this cursed existence is to spend every penny the UK's billionaires have - thus removing their power over our society and, you assume, ending this game. [[Guess I'll just spend all their money|Explanation 2]]